Why Saying Thank You Can Feel More Awkward Than It Really Is

There is a small moment many friendships leave unused. Someone helps you move a heavy bag, recommends a job opening or notices you were quiet at a group event. You think about saying thanks and then decide a proper message might sound embarrassing. Research on gratitude suggests that we may overestimate that awkwardness and underestimate the positive reaction. This is not an instruction to flatter people. It is an invitation to recognise specific kindness without treating sincerity as a social error.

What the original study investigated

Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley's 2018 Psychological Science paper asked people to write gratitude letters and predict how the recipients would feel. Across three experiments, recipients then reported their actual reactions. Writers underestimated how surprised and positive recipients would feel and overestimated awkwardness. The comparison between predictions and reported experience is the central evidence, not a claim that gratitude automatically increases the number of friendships. The participants were expressing appreciation to particular people, not posting generic compliments to an audience.

Why the finding may make sense

From the sender's perspective, an appreciation message highlights every imperfect phrase. You worry that it sounds too earnest or uses an ordinary word when something eloquent is expected. The recipient may focus more on the simple fact that their effort was noticed. That perspective difference can explain reluctance. It does not remove all risk: an intense message to someone you barely know might genuinely cross a boundary. The practical lesson is about proportional, honest gratitude.

What it might look like in everyday life

After a small group hike, suppose somebody made sure a newcomer did not get left behind. A short message—'I appreciated you checking that everyone was with the group; it made arriving much easier'—names the action and its effect. It does not ask for affection in return. Another example is thanking a classmate for explaining a technique without implying they now owe you private lessons. Specific appreciation lands differently from an inflated compliment designed to get a reaction.

What the evidence does not show

The experiments studied particular ways of expressing gratitude, including letters; they do not prove that every platform, relationship, culture or unsolicited message will receive the same response. Recipients who know a sender have a context that random strangers may lack. Also, the measured outcome was reported surprise, happiness and awkwardness, not whether people later became close friends. The study is useful for understanding a bias in expectations, not for manufacturing social outcomes.

A respectful experiment you can try

Use a three-part thank-you: name what happened, say briefly why it mattered, and stop. Avoid demanding a reply. If your message is longer than the relationship supports, shorten it. When gratitude feels urgent after a first meeting, keep it grounded in a real action instead of declarations about a life-changing connection. Then continue behaving kindly the next time you see each other; appreciation is credible when paired with respect.

How this differs from related claims

A thank-you differs from an invitation. It can strengthen the atmosphere without proposing anything else. Sometimes people combine the two—'Thank you for sharing the book title; I'd enjoy comparing notes next week'—but the invitation should still be easy to decline. Separating appreciation from the desire for a second meeting protects both. You are recognising a gesture, not using it as leverage to obtain more time with someone.

The useful takeaway

Many of the best social signals are small enough to miss: remembering a helpful comment, giving credit, and making someone feel seen. Research suggests our fears about those gestures may be miscalibrated. You can respond by being specific and modest rather than by becoming dramatically expressive. Friendship, when it develops, benefits from the ordinary act of noticing what other people do.

The cited article is the primary source for the research claim. Read its design and population before applying it to a different setting: a laboratory conversation, student study or close-relationship diary cannot by itself predict a Paris meetup. Research can inform a hypothesis; it does not determine any one person's preferences, boundaries or future friendship.

Appreciation works best when it stays specific

A thank-you can become awkward when it sounds like a declaration of intimacy beyond the relationship you actually have. You do not need to tell a new acquaintance they changed your life. Name a real action instead: 'Thanks for explaining the game; I felt much less lost,' or 'I appreciated that you checked whether everyone could find the meeting point.' That gives the person something concrete to recognise. It also avoids using gratitude as a way to pressure them into reciprocating with an equally emotional message.

The letter-writing experiments examined recipients and senders in particular contexts; they are not evidence that every appreciation message will be welcome. A brief public thank-you may suit a casual group, whereas a longer private note may suit a close friend. If you are unsure, err on the side of clear and proportional. You can be sincere without manufacturing an occasion. In ongoing friendships, acknowledge everyday acts of reliability too: showing up, listening, adjusting plans or helping someone join the conversation. Repeated ordinary appreciation is often more sustainable than one dramatic gesture.